When you have a singleton, an only, only one, they can think they are the center of the universe. I would think most kids might feel that--we're all self-involved from birth after all; we cry--they come, and so forth. As they get older and if the parents are wise, the child realizes that it's not all about them. I myself am an only child and my parents worked hard to make it plain to me that I was not the center of the universe, nor that I was the center of their attention 24/7. I knew I was loved. I might have had a few more toys than my counterparts with siblings, but not an exorbitant amount. I most definitely did not get everything I ever wanted. I had friends in junior high exclaim, "But you're not spoiled!" when they first discovered my lack of sibling status.

Often the Only wants mom to be their playmate. So many games need other players, and even with pretend, it can be more fun to pretend with someone. Children do not necessarily come automatically with the ability to play alone and don't always know how to occupy themselves on their own. This can easily be trained and as I've written here in the past, is an important skill for all children. We all have to be alone with ourselves and content within our own skins, as it were, at some point in time, often many times in our lives. Not having siblings is not the only prerequisite for this skill.

I recommend that mom sets some healthy boundaries with play. Tell your child you can play with them for X minutes and then you have to go do your chores and they will have to occupy themselves. Or tell them after you ___ then you can play with them for __ minutes. Follow through with what you tell them. Set a timer if needed. Play is healthy and fun and needed for children to learn. Everyone needs some "down" time. If you're not too fond of whatever floats your child's boat, find some common ground. One mom I know shares a love of art with her Only. They craft artist trading cards together. She has said this has helped her daughter in not having an intense need for mom to be her playmate and they both enjoy the time together, allowing them to play at their own levels.

Since singletons don't have "built-in playmates," it's natural that they would gravitate towards their parent(s) to fulfill this need on a daily basis. Parents are wise to incorporate some playtime with their child, as well as bringing their child alongside in doing household chores. This shows the child that life is not one big playdate, but we all have to contribute to the household's smooth running. There will be times when the child needs to be "on their own" -- whether playing or reading or otherwise occupying themselves quietly in the same room as mom or in their own bedroom or space. Training can be quite simple in encouraging the child to be on their own a bit. Again a timer might be helpful, along with the promise of some "together time" when the timer goes off.

My son took naps until he was 7 and I encouraged them. As he got older and might protest taking a nap (at 5 or 6), I renamed "Naptime" to "Quiet Time." I told him he didn't have to sleep, but that he had to stay on his bed and be quiet. No singing to himself, no talking out loud, but he could read or play quietly with any of his stuffed animals. When he got older, he was told the hour would start at the beginning if he made noise. Most of the time, he ended up falling asleep (mainly when he was 7 or younger, but sometimes when he was older), and there were a few times where he'd be still awake after an hour, but both he and I got a break from each other in that hour. There were also some days that I needed some time to organize my thoughts or just have some quiet time myself and would ask him to go play in his room. This might be in addition to the Quiet Time Hour. Most moms of onlies know that they can be surrounded by constant noise and chatter by their only! I made it very clear that he was not being punished but that I needed the time. By example, I was showing him that everyone needs some time alone.

I know some children have fear issues, for whatever reason, and do not want to be alone. With prayer and investigation, parents need to seek answers on why their child is so fearful. I don't think they ought to be "hard nosed" about their approach, forcing their child to be away from them, but they might need to be firm at times. They need to start very small with lots of grace, as fear may not be logical but it is very real to the one who is fearful.

Using a timer can help you help your child. A parent needs to pray with the child and look into averting fears in other ways. (Checking under the bed and telling all monsters they have to go away now, for example, IF the child has stated this is a fear--no need to create a fear of monsters under the bed if they don't have it!!). You need to start with very small increments of time to help your child become comfortable with time on their own. Start with 5 to 10 minutes (depending on the child's age and specific circumstances) with the child in the bedroom with a good book. (This book ought to be geared to below their reading level--this is a fun book, not a reading assignment; their favorite book perhaps) along with a snuggly friend. Always go to the child when the timer says it's time. Start slow and don't do these sessions more than once a day for several weeks before you increase the time. Personally, I would never go beyond an hour. When the child is older, they will most likely be in their room (or the back yard, or...) for longer than an hour, but then that's their choice.

The same kind of work can be employed when the child is in the same room with you and seemingly needs your constant input. Use a timer and remind the child that you love but that you're working on your own assignments while they are playing or working on their own. All of this kind of work is done in increments, not rushing the child into what they are not capable of doing, yet by training, showing the child that they are more than capable of working or playing on their own.

With homeschooling, my son was not ready for independent work until he was close to 12 years old. At 10, he needed me to sit beside him, not necessarily commenting or helping him, but just being there. I couldn't read or cross stitch or do anything but sit there or he wouldn't be able to do his work. I thought we'd be stuck like this for years to come, and yet, when he was ready [around 12], he struck out on his own--his own idea, using his own incentives, not needing me to be there. So I would not encourage having your child work on his homeschool alone until he or she is ready.

Remember you are your own child's best expert and you alone know what will work best for your child. I think the biggest thing is to be aware of the "bigger picture" (you are the parent after all) and facilitating, encouraging, and training when needed to help your child become a successful adult.

Donna Conner lives in Fort Worth, TX with her husband, Glenn, their son, Mike, and their dog, Lucia. Donna and Glenn have been homeschooling their son since the beginning of his education. Mike completes his homeschooling this year. Donna is an artist and has always enjoyed writing. She wrote Homeschooling Only One five years ago, after discovering that there were many other families homeschooling only one child. Her website is devoted to those with only one student in their homeschool, with listings of online resources. You can visit her website at  http://donnac.com and read her blog at: http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/DonnaC

copyright © 2008 Donna Conner ~~ All rights reserved. Content may not be reproduced in any form without written permission of author, except in the case of brief passages embodied in critical reviews and articles where the title and author are listed.